Mums in clubs.

So I promised to let you know how my evening of fun and frivolity on Friday went.

The booze was fab, the music was fab, the clubs were fab (Fan Club was ok..) and the men were fab.

Obviously after the break up with Mr Peas (Now known as Steve.) I haven't really been able to look at men, most of them grow his gangly knees and balding head. But despite my dread of the typical "I'm so drunk, and you look hot in my paralitic, so let me drag you back to mine so I can f**k you like rabbits do before passing out and drooling all over your nose." chat up lines, I felt fairly safe.

That was until "LEE" came along.

Unfortunately for you, I cannot reproduce "LEE"'s accent via the wonderful world wide web. This story would be a helluva lot funnier if I could. I shall therefore call him "LEE" and you have to imagine that I am saying this in a deep voice, whilst thrusting my bottom jaw forward and pumping my shoulders in what I presume to be a masculine manner.

"LEE", after squishing up next to me on the mouldy seat informed me that he is a labourman from Wigston. For anyone who knows Wigston, you will be aware that once you're born in Wigston, you invariably leave. And then you marry your sister, or your father.

I'm pretty sure they're not picky.

I'm guessing you're already beginning to drool over "LEE." I know I was at this stage. "Take me now" popped into my head on more than one occasion, and it was only after clamping my lips firmly shut that I held back from thrusting my magnificent breastage into his hands.

The hottest moment for me however, was when his mum (That's right folks, plus 18 club, loud bangy music, drugs, alcohol and sex-HIS MUM) brought him over a pint, smiled at me and left.

And the moral of the story guys and gals, is if you don't want to attract the "LEE"'s of this world.. don't pull this face...

...as apparently this indicates that you're into the Mum Action.

I'm not.

On other notes, my fish have white spot (yippee) so that is why they have been so miserable. I am treating them with salt in the vague hope that it will kick the parasite's ass.

I am also leaving Leicester next weekend to return to the sunny Swanage for the summer.

And I have had the beasts that were my eyebrows finally tamed this afternoon. You know it's bad when the beautician brings in all her colleagues to have a good gawp. Damn right.